My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
