people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
even my farts smell like vagina
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
