the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
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I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
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They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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