I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
