please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
