Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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