also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
