I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
