Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
handjob tips. give me some.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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