If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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