I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
