the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
