god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's never too late to be topless.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
