I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
