Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I love you.
Bad choice
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
