if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
