just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
