Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
