I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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