I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
