wanna go halves on a baby?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
