okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
