What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
