Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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