A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
pop tarts are not kleenex
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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