oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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