i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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