We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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