I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
