I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Terrible idea I love it
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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