I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
