i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
