i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
