So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
