K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
