i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
