Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do vagina's smell?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
