Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
