and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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