just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
