I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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