So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
