Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
