I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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