i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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