just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
