just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
