why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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