The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
