how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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