my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.