Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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