if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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