In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
