i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
