I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
