I bet he comes in French.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
