Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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