We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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