I hate all girls vehemently.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
