I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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