haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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