i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You ate ashes out of my bong
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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