I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
